Eye on Winer

On Aug. 31, 1986, Knight-Ridder Newspapers ran a feature story on the 3.6 million never-married American bachelors. You might recognize one of them.

THE UNMARRIED MAN 3.6 MILLION LIVE ALONE, DELAYING MARRIAGE FOR CAREER

DAVE O’BRIAN, Knight-Ridder Newspapers

When Dave Winer comes home late after a hard day at the office, no one is there to greet him. But he doesn’t really mind, he says, because he is hardly ever home.

And though he may be by himself, he is not exactly alone. He is one of 3.6 million American males who live by themselves and have never married.

More than a blip on a demographic chart, Winer’s group has grown 124 percent during the past 15 years, according to a 1985 Marital Status Report by the U.S. Census Bureau. Much has been written about the alleged plight of “older single women” — including the recent press furor over “Marriage Patterns in the United States,” a controversial Harvard-Yale study which concluded that single women over 30 have little chance to make it to the altar and that after 40 they have virtually no chance at all. Never mind that the study’s results were questionable. The single, never-married American male remains a species that seems to have been all but ignored.

Of these bachelors, a surprising number, 2 million, are under 35.

“This can only be the result of decisions to postpone marriage and the decision not to marry,” says Tom Exter, research editor for American Demographics Inc. in Ithaca, N.Y.

Why are they doing that?

“It’s a fascinating sociological study that has yet to be done,” Exter says. “There are many men who have decided to reject marriage outright.”

None of the single men interviewed for this story say they’ve ruled out marital bliss altogether. Rather, these “eligible” and successful younger men say they’ve merely postponed the inevitable, that they’re too busy with work and school or they enjoy the independence of their solitary lifestyles, or, they say — with a sigh — they simply haven’t met “the right woman.”

“Among men aged 25 to 34, the tendency is to think marriage is still an option,” says Exter. “After 34, people find other options.”

Dave Winer hasn’t given up on the marriage option. At 31, the software designer routinely works a seven-day week — and most of his workdays are long ones.

He says he’ll take an occasional Tuesday or Wednesday off and head for the beach, but he enjoys working weekends because it’s so quiet in the office that he gets much more accomplished.

“I’m working very hard now,” he says, “but I’ve always worked very hard. I’m that kind of person. I’ve been that way since high school. I generally put more time into things than other people do.”

When Winer says “things,” he means one thing: work. He’s president of Living Videotext, a small but growing and successful personal-computer software company in nearby Mountain View that he founded five years ago. And yes, he’s a bachelor — by choice.

He says he’d like very much to get married and raise a family someday, but not yet. He simply doesn’t have the time. “I’d also like another eight hours every day, for just kidding around and goofing off,” he laughs. “Unfortunately, the hours aren’t there.”

And, for the moment, he has other priorities.

“I have a specific agenda,” Winer explains. “The single most important goal in my life is to be responsible for at least some part of how people use computer technology in the future.” But there’s this one other nagging concern: Once this workaholic entrepreneur does get around to marriage and a family, “I’d like to be able to play basketball with my kids — before I get too old.”

How old is too old? In 1970, the average bridegroom was 22.2 years old; today he’s 25.5. It doesn’t sound like much of a change, but Exter says these figures reflect a significant change in attitude. Less societal pressure to marry young has allowed both men and women to go to school longer and spend more time starting their careers.

“I want to get married, but I never put pressure on myself to get married at a certain age,” says John Takahashi, an emergency-room physician in Santa Clara.

At 33, he is eight years younger than the median age of single men who live alone. He’s also handsome and successful, and might have been considered the perfect “catch” in another time, another era, and he would have married young.

No more. “Most of the people I know have postponed marriage until after 30,” he says. “It’s a changing society. Because of the new technology in medicine, a lot of women are realizing that there’s less pressure on them to get married (and give birth) at an earlier age.”

And there’s another factor. “We’ve all heard how high the divorce rate is,” Takahashi says. “Most people only want to get married once. No one wants to go through a divorce.” He says he doesn’t mind taking a little time before tying the knot — to be sure he’s really found that certain someone.

Nor does he mind living alone. “I prefer having my independence,” he says, pointing out that his 40-hour-a-week job also requires him to work a variety of different shifts — an overnight shift followed by three day shifts, and then five days off.

But what about those long, lonely nights? “We all have those times,” Takahashi agrees. “Those weekends and weekday evenings when you’d like a little companionship.” But he likes his job, he’s actively involved in Stanford Bachelors — an organization made up of about 200 single, male Stanford grads that invites single women to its parties — and he’s a self-styled “audio-video freak” who spends time collecting and playing with the latest technology.

Under these circumstances, who minds an occasional lonely night?

Dr. Duane Alwin, a sociology professor at the University of Michigan, maintains most don’t mind it at all — yet another blow to conventional wisdom. “Most people who live alone, regardless of their marital status, seem to have slightly less contentment than those who live together,” he says. Alwin points out, however, that single people who live alone are more outgoing and socially active than single people with roommates. “They tend to compensate for their aloneness by seeking companionship outside the home,” he says.

But those long, lonely evenings apparently get a little longer as single men grow long in the tooth. Dr. Paul Verden, a sociology professor at Santa Clara University, cites the findings of a noted anthropologist. According to “Single Life: Unmarried Adults In Social Context” by Peter Stein (St. Martin’s Press, $13.95), older single women tend to be content with their lot in life, while older single men experience “frustration, discontent, depression and phobic tendencies.”

Says Verden, “Certainly the old stereotypes — the lonely spinster and the happy-go-lucky bachelor — are no longer appropriate.”

There are those who resent that stereotype and others.

“The only times I’ve been unhappy have been when society puts pressure on me,” says a San Jose schoolteacher who asked that his name not be used. He has remained single because he prefers his solitary lifestyle — although he has adopted two boys — and says he’s been involved in relationships but doesn’t think about marriage.

“People assume that a 40-year-old unmarried man must be gay. I had problems with the adoptions for that reason.”

“I just enjoy being alone a lot,” says the teacher. “I’ll be perfectly content until someone says, You live in that big house by yourself? What’s wrong with you?’ Then I’ll be down in the dumps for a while.”

In an October 1984 column in the New York Times Magazine, novelist Winston Groom wrote, “I wish people would stop asking when I’m going to get married.”

He was writing about his decision not to marry, but he also found himself describing the moment he’d finished his last novel, was sitting on a terrace in Jamaica with his feet up and a drink in hand “And I suddenly found myself thinking, Why am I doing this? I’ve worked hard, done well, but what good is it if there’s no one to share it with?”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 at 5:36 pm and is filed under Dave, Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.